


All I Could Do Was Love You Hard...And Let You Go

by comebackbehere



Series: All I Could Do Was Love You Hard...And Let You Go [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Modern AU, and for some reason i enjoy making them sad?, and in this one they have kids!, but it always ends on a happy note!, i'm like offical octaven trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 02:56:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5851435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comebackbehere/pseuds/comebackbehere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: 'So we could fight. Or we could wait. Or I could go.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Could Do Was Love You Hard...And Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is kind of (but not really, just the soundtrack) inspired by The Last Five Years, but also Every Other Weekend by Reba McEntire. So, enjoy :)

"Nico, Val! Let's go!"

The stomps sound above her and she cringes as she waits at the bottom of the stairs. After a few short minutes, a smile slides across her face as she sees the tiny bodies of her children as they cling to the banister and rush down the stairs. She loves this, this perfect part of her life. Her kids are the best thing that she's ever done, the greatest things she's ever created; she loves them and they love her, and that is all she wants in life. She gives them what her mother couldn't and that was a good mother, and love that reached no bounds.

"It's about time, slowpokes."

The giggles cause her heart to swell with so much love she fears it'll burst, but she focuses on the way her son folds into her arms as he leaps from the last step before blue eyes stare up at her and she feels her breath catch. From those blue eyes to his floppy black waves and a scatter of freckles, he's a Blake through and through. And she knows the Blake genes run further in him then just his looks by the way his determination never wavers and the way his stubbornness has led him into more trouble then it probably has been worth.

"You ready to go see mama?" Raven asks in a soft voice.

Nico nods happily, "Uh huh."

Raven sets her son back safely on his feet and she watches as the five-year-old disappears towards the foyer to scoop up his dinosaur backpack. Small arms curl around her legs and Raven glances down to see the mini version of herself. She remembers the way Clarke and Lexa had been full of jokes when they had gone to see Raven and Valerie in the hospital; they had said that everyone was in a whirlwind of a ride when Valerie had turned a year old and was full of smirks and hands that touched things that she shouldn't have.

"Hey, you." Raven whispers as she scoops Valerie in her arms, the three-year-old simply tucks her face in her neck and nuzzles her nose there. "How about we get you buckled up in the car and you can take a little nap?"

Silence. And then a small nod.

That's just about the only thing she gets out of her daughter now, nods and hugs. Somewhere between Octavia moving out and a new house, Valerie's little voice had disappeared along with her bouncy attitude. Raven presses a kiss to her head as she carries her towards the front door where Nico waits with such a bright smile that it makes the dreary LA sky seem so much brighter; she wishes she could feel that type of happiness again.

She grabs Valerie's bag off the floor and pushes Nico towards the door and he doesn't miss a beat as he skips towards the car and scrambles into his booster seat while Raven settles a silent Valerie in her carseat. The car ride seems too silent as she reaches to flip on the radio and she cringes at the familiar song that croons back at her. She reaches to flip it off but then she hears a small hum and looks in the mirror to watch as Nico bops his head along to the music.

Her hand drops back to her steering wheel and she swallows the pain as she continues to drive through familiar streets and soon her son's voice joins in his head nods. And all at once the pain washes away as she chuckles and glances in the mirror again to watch Valerie as she stares at her brother with a smile on her face. She pauses at a red light and jumps as the cab of the car fills with the sound of her car phone.

"Auntie Lexa!" Nico exclaims as he reads the name on the screen.

Raven grins as she accepts the call, "What's up?"

_"Oh, just the usual Friday stuff. Clarke and I were both off this morning and we woke up and..."_

"Keep it clean. My kids are in the car." Raven jumps in as she drives through the green light, Lexa's chuckle causes her eyes to roll. "So, as you were saying, what were you and Clarke up to this morning?"

_"We woke up and went on a run at the park and we were planning to go back and have a picnic for dinner so I was calling to see if maybe you wanna tag along. Bring the kids, Bianca misses hanging out with them."_

"I can't." Raven sighs. "It's not my weekend with them."

_"Oh."_

There's a lot of weight in that simple word and Raven works her jaw as she tightens her grip on her steering wheel. She knows what that 'oh' means, it means that these plans that Lexa is making will be going to someone else. She knows that an evening at the park will happen, but she won't be there. She dulls the jealousy with a hard swallow as she clears her throat and turns down a road, Nico bounces in his seat as he looks out the window with a smile.

"I'm sure Octavia will take them." Raven offers.

_"Um. Maybe. I'll have to run it by Clarke."_

"Okay. Cool. If you do go, remind Octavia that Valerie doesn't like to be pushed too high in the swing and Nico will most definitely throw up if he gets on a seesaw." Raven smiles before she turns into a parking lot she knows too well.

_"I'm sure she knows all that, but I'll run it by her again."_

"Thanks, Lex. I gotta go. Have fun at the park."

Raven ends the call with a quick flick of a button and glances over her shoulder to see that Valerie had spent the twenty minute car ride with brown eyes that stare out the window while Nico flips his attention between his iPad and the radio. The familiar car that rests a few feet away causes her breath to catch as she watches Octavia climb from the driver's side. Like so many times before, Octavia steals the air from her lungs with a simple smile that isn't even meant for her.

She manages to make it out of the car without Nico's door hitting her as the five-year-old shoots from his seat and hurries into Octavia's waiting arms. Raven takes her time with Valerie, steals as much warmth as she can from her. She steals the moments she'll be without for two days and Valerie folds into her arm just as eagerly, her nose nuzzles her neck and Raven breathes in the smell of her daughter's strawberry shampoo.

"Mama, I'm helping mommy build this super cool car." Nico gushes as he stares up at Octavia, the woman simply raises her eyebrows with a grin. "I get to hand her the wrenches and screwdrivers. She says some day it could be **_my_ ** car."

"That's awesome, bud." Octavia chuckles as she ruffles his fluffy dark locks.

"Mama, you have to come see it and my new room." Nico babbles and Octavia seems so enraptured with him that Raven stands back for a moment. "Mommy let me pick out the paint and my room is green."

"Green? Dude, awesome pick." Octavia nods as she holds her hand up and laughs as Nico jumps up to slam his palm to hers, blue eyes cut across the space and pause on Raven. "Well, if it isn't my favorite girl."

Raven slowly moves towards her wife and offers her their daughter that frowns in response, and they're so close that Raven can smell the familiar hint of the fuel of Octavia's motorcycle and her favorite pumpkin spice body spray. She's so close that it would be easy for her to just lean in and steal a kiss, spark back something that she swears hasn't dulled but both are too afraid to approach again; the idea vanishes as Octavia pulls back and cradles her daughter in her arms.

"Can I get a hi?" Octavia whispers as she tickles at Valerie's stomach.

Valerie stares at her and her lips twist into the barest hint of a smile and Raven can't believe how alike her and her daughter can be sometimes; Octavia gives a sad sigh as she turns her attention to Raven. And there goes her breath again. They share a look that shows the effect of their daughter's silence and it kills them to know that they're the cause of it; they know Valerie has seen and heard too many fights between them, they know their daughter has become smart enough to know the things that Nico already does.

"Still nothing?" Octavia asks with a hesitant smile.

"No. She had an appointment with the doctor again and he says she's..." Raven trails off as a familiar lump appears in her throat and she clenches her jaw for a beat. "He suggested that she might be mute."

"What?" Octavia scowls. "When was this appointment?"

"Yesterday afternoon."

"And why didn't you tell me about it? I would've gone!" Octavia snaps as she tightens her grasp on her daughter. "Raven, they're my kids too. I think I deserve the right to at least be at important appointments like that."

"You're right." Raven nods. "I'm sorry."

She doesn't want to fight. She's so tired of fighting with Octavia. All she wants is to go back when they were young, back to when everything was so simple. But she can't, she's stuck in reality and reality sucks. Raven turns and moves towards the car to grab Nico and Valerie's bags and she hears the sounds of Octavia setting the kids up in their seats before footsteps sound behind her and pause a few inches away.

"Raven, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been an ass to you."

"It's okay. You're right, it was an important thing and I should've asked you to go." Raven mumbles as she focuses her attention on zipping Nico's iPad into his bag. "There's another one in a month if you'd like to go with us."

Raven turns and feels the world disappear from beneath her feet as she realizes how close Octavia is to her. She holds out the bags and she feels fingertips brush over her hand as Octavia slides them up her arms. She chances a glance at Octavia's hand and she hates the way relief curls in her stomach as she sees the diamond band that still rests on her wife's finger, just like her own rings do.

"Yeah. Just text me when the date is. I'll be there." Octavia nods.

Raven follows her to the car and crouches in the doorway of Nico's side to press soft kisses to his head as he whispers that he'll miss her and he drops sloppy kisses to her cheeks as he pouts at her with blue eyes full of sadness and pleading. She knows how much he hates this, this swapping between his mothers, and it's only been a few weekends that he's stopped crying every time that Raven leaves.

"I'll see you on Sunday. Just two sleeps." Raven whispers.

"Just two sleeps." Nico repeats with a firm nod. "I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too. Be a good boy and have fun." Raven grins and she drops one last kiss to his head before she ducks out of the car and slams the door. "Octavia, he's been sleeping with me a lot this week so be prepared for a bed crasher."

Octavia chuckles, "Good thing I have a king sized bed."

Raven moves around to the other side of the car and stares at her daughter who reaches out to cup her face with tiny hands. She bites her lip and she feels the burn in her eyes as she covers a hand with her own. She can't stand this, she wishes that things weren't like this; it pains her the things that she and Octavia are putting their kids through just because they're trying to figure themselves out.

"Have fun with mama, baby." Raven coos as she leans forward to press a gentle kiss to Valerie's forehead. "Try using your words, sweetheart. Mama and I miss your voice so much. Be good, okay? I love you."

Valerie blinks at her and Raven stares into eyes that match her own for a moment longer before she slides out of the car and slams the door shut, her gaze glides to Octavia who lingers at the driver's door with a frown as she plays with her keys and avoids looking at Raven. She clears her throat and blue eyes jump to her and the way the world disappears around her makes her sure that this separation isn't working.

"I'll see you Sunday." Raven mumbles.

"Yeah. Sunday."

Raven takes a few slow steps back as Octavia jumps into her seat and fires up the car and she can make out the sight of Nico as he throws his arms up when the engine gives a loud purr before they drive off. She runs a hand through her hair as she watches the black car till it vanishes into traffic. She doesn't know how long she stands in the middle of the parking lot, but by the time she gets back into her car her heart feels heavier then it did that morning.

**-x-**

"Okay, Jimmy Neutron or Totally Spies?" Octavia asks as she scrolls through Netflix.

"Totally Spies." Nico chirps as he casts a glance to his sister. "Okay, Val?"

Valerie looks up from her color sheet to give her brother a blink as she focuses her attention on the scribbles before her. Octavia sets them up with their show and ruffles Nico's hair as she moves to the kitchen to make them lunch. She tries not to think about her wife as she pulls out the things she needs for turkey sandwiches and soup. She hums, whistles, and sings under her breath in order to block out the voice of her wife that rings constantly in her head.

The sound of her children makes it seem quieter and she focuses on that. She focuses on how loud Nico gets whenever Clover speaks and she takes in the way Valerie's laughter sounds like little Christmas bells. Octavia is halfway done with the soup when her loft door open and she tenses before she hears the sound of heavy footsteps. Her shoulders droop and she watches through the small window in the kitchen as Bellamy stands in the living room.

"Uncle Bell!" Nico exclaims.

Tiny arms flail wildly as the boy rushes towards the man who scoops him up and over his shoulder as they both laugh. Octavia watches them with a grin as she shakes her head and turns back to her sandwiches; she loves that her kids adore Bellamy as much as they do, he had been so terrified of them when they were both babies but now he can barely stand to be away from them.

"How's my favorite future astronaut?" Bellamy asks as he flips the boy in his arms, Nico laughs happily as he hangs upside down with his arms limp at his sides. "Have you tried to send yourself to the moon again?"

"Nuh uh. Mommy says I'm not allowed to jump that high on the trampoline cause she doesn't want me to go to the moon until I've had proper training." Nico pouts. "But one day I'm gonna explore the whole universe."

"I believe it." Bellamy chuckles as he flips Nico one last time so he lands safely on his feet in front of him. "And you better bring your Uncle Bell a space rock back or a star. Just something to prove that you were really up there."

"Okay." Nico snickers before he turns to rush to the couch.

Bellamy shakes his head in amusement as he watches Nico flip himself over the side of the couch before he lands hard on the cushion, his tiny body turns towards the TV and he loses himself in the fantasy of spies. Tiny arms curl around his leg and Bellamy drops to a knee so he can kneel before his niece. The three-year-old stares at him with those brown eyes that could melt the coldest of hearts before she tucks into his neck.

"Hey, you." Bellamy whispers as he presses a kiss to her head.

Valerie is quiet as she continues to nuzzle in Bellamy's neck as her fists curl around the material of his t-shirt. He stays on his knee and allows his niece to seek out the comfort she needs in him before he drops another kiss to her head. Bellamy murmurs soft words to her as he stands and lifts her easily into his arms, the three-year-old simply clings to him as he moves to set her on the couch.

Bellamy waits for her to reach for her favorite pink blanket before she curls into the corner of the couch. The man crosses the distance between the living room and kitchen with a few easy strides as he peeks in to see Octavia and she catches his eye and knows that he's here for more than a friendly visit with his niece and nephew; she knows he's here for so much more.

"Hi." Octavia smiles. "Didn't know you were coming by."

"I remembered it was your weekend with the kids so I thought I'd pop in and say hi." Bellamy shrugs as he watches her with a slight frown. "I thought you said that you were going to take them to the movies."

"We're just going to do a movie night here. I wanna spend time with them alone. Plus, I'm not crazy about taking Val into loud places right now." Octavia explains with a small sigh. "I don't think she'd like it."

"You're such a mom." Bellamy snorts.

"Once Echo gives birth you'll understand how this feels." Octavia teases as she spits her tongue out at the man who eagerly returns the gesture. "So, let's be real...why are you here? You always text before dropping by."

"I haven't seen much of you lately." Bellamy frowns as he wonders into the kitchen. "I didn't text because every time I do you have an excuse as to why I can't come by or why you can't come out. I just wanted to catch a few minutes with you."

"You could always call me." Octavia offers as she spreads a thin layer of mayonnaise on a slice of bread. "I'm not avoiding you, y'know? I'm just...busy. My client list shot up this month since the holidays ended."

She clenches her jaw and tries to move on, tries to ignore the realization of how easily lies have come to fall from her mouth. He watches her and she can feel his eyes. She knows he sees right through her attempt to turn the conversation away from the truth; he knows her better than she wants to admit and she sees the moment that everything clicks for him.

Bellamy leans against the counter with his arms crossed, "How's Raven?"

"You know how Raven is. She's your friend." Octavia scoffs as she cuts the crust off the sandwiches. "So, I'd appreciate it if you didn't come here and try to play devil's advocate. I'm fine. Raven's fine."

"She may be my friend, but you're my sister. I put you first. Always. I haven't seen her in quite a while." Bellamy shrugs as his gaze softens. "What's going on, O? You seem off, like your rattled about something."

Octavia tightens her jaw for a beat, "I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"Do what?" Bellamy frowns.

"This separation." Octavia hisses as she slams the knife on the counter and presses her hands hard against the granite. "We said we needed space, just need time, and suddenly she's got a new house and I'm signing a six month lease on this loft."

"Octavia, you did this for the kids," Bellamy reminds her in a soft voice. "You guys were fighting over what **_brand_ ** of **_milk_ ** to buy. There wasn't a day that went by when you were happy, you both were miserable."

"We had our good days." Octavia mumbles. "We were just...stuck."

"And now you're not. You've both got a good thing going, you're happy and it seems like she is too." Bellamy points out with a small half smile. "I know it's hard, O. I get it, but you have to think about what's best for you."

"She's what's best for me." Octavia whispers.

Octavia waits and expects Bellamy to say something but he just stands there in silence and she takes it as her que to leave. She gathers two lunches and moves to the dining room table to rest them on a dinosaur decorated and princess covered place mates; the soup steams as she drops two spoons into the tiny bowls while she waves a hand over Valerie's bowl in an attempt to cool it down.

"Wild things," Octavia calls. "Lunch is ready."

Valerie is the first to toddle towards her mother with a familiar pink blanket in her arms. Octavia smiles softly at her daughter as she lifts her to set her safely in her booster seat, her hand brushes through brown curls as she swallows hard. She sees so much of Raven in her daughter and it breaks her heart; from those brown eyes that shine with so many wonders to the tip of a smile that appears when she knows she's done something bad.

"Mama," Nico frowns as he climbs onto his chair. "Why'd you cut the crust off?"

Octavia tilts her head as she stares at the boy, "You always ask me to cut the crust off, bud."

"Mommy says that crust is full of delicious nutri...um, I can't remember the word but she says it's good for you." Nico shrugs as he picks up a small triangle to nibble at the corner. "But that's okay, you'll 'member next time."

"Yes sir I will." Octavia nods.

She steps back to watch as the two eat before she drags a hand through her long locks and turns to vanish into the kitchen. She's silent as she cleans up the things spread along the counter and tries to avoid Bellamy's sad eyes. She wants nothing more than to fall apart in his arms, but the last thing she wants is for her kids to see her broken. She has to stay strong through whatever this is between her and Raven, she has to be the strong one.

"I uh I hate to do this, but do you think you could go ahead and leave?" Octavia mumbles as she avoids the wounded look she knows he'll give her. "No offense to you, but I kinda just wanna have a night with my kids."

Bellamy sighs, "Okay. I'll see you later."

He pushes away from the counter and presses a gentle kiss to her head before he sweeps from the living room. She listens closely as he tells the kids goodbye before the front door shuts behind him. Once she's sure he's gone, she takes a deep breath and wills always the sadness. She sweeps back into the room where her kids are eating and Nico looks at her with a smile and Valerie gives her the barest of grins and things feel better.

It always feels better when they're around. Octavia slides onto a chair at the table and cups her chin in her hands as she watches Nico sip at his soup while Valerie picks at her sandwich and as she looks across the table she spots the empty chair.

Empty. It's always empty. And now, she is too.

**-x-**

Raven meets Jasper and Monty for breakfast on Saturday morning just so she can get out of the house. She hates mornings when she doesn't wake up to tiny feet that press into her ribs and fingers that lift her eyelids to see if she's truly awake. She barely gets her waffles down as she listens to Monty go on and on about his and Miller's marriage and how perfect it seems to be. She hates him and then hates herself for the second she spares hating him.

Breakfast ends and she's alone again as she makes her way home and opens the garage where her and Nico's car awaits her. She flips on the radio and drowns out her thoughts as she strips from the overshirt she wore and ties it around her waist. The smell of grease makes her lips turn up and for the first time since she woke up she feels a little better. The sound of a familiar song causes her to pause for a beat as she listens to the soft notes that play from the speakers.

She considers turning it off but she doesn't. She just continues to mess with the engine and ignore the memories the song drags up. She misses what used to be and she can't help but despise the current separation between her and Octavia. She and Octavia were high school sweethearts, ones that actually made it. Their marriage followed shortly after Octavia graduated high school and Raven finished her first year of college and once they were both settled nicely in their occupations they had welcomed Nico followed shortly by Valerie.

To say life was perfect was an understatement. They were happy and they were so in love, but somewhere after Valerie's second birthday things started to change. There was a distance between them, a spark had died. Raven clenches her jaw as she remembers the fights and she swears they're louder in her head then the music that plays in the garage. She can still remember the day that Octavia left, she had kissed her kids and Raven's forehead and said she needed space.

Space that has lasted a year.

Raven slams her wrench down on the engine as she hangs her head, her tears mix well with the grease stains on her face and she knows she looks like a hot mess; she can't help it though, this is what Octavia does best to her. She brings out the best in Raven and sometimes the worst. She challenges her and encourages her in one go. She tears her apart with her hands and puts her together with her kisses. She's the half that Raven knows is missing. Sweat follows closely behind the tears and Raven wipes it away as she moves to slide underneath the car. Her hands busy themselves and for a moment she can ignore the way they tremble at the thought of her wife.

"Nico," Raven calls. "Can you hand me..."

Raven trails off as she flexes her jaw and reminds herself that her kids are with Octavia. She slides from beneath the car and cups her hands over her face as she tries to will always the tears that brim once again. She sits up and presses her elbows to her knees as she ignores the burn in her chest. She knows what will put the fire out, but she's forty five minutes away and Raven has lost the right to fall in her arms.

So she settles for a text that is hit with a response only a moment later. Raven stands and slams the hood of the car shut before she slips into her house and moves to run her hands under the warm tap of the sink. The doorbell rings twenty minutes after she finishes changing and before she can open it the lock clicks and a familiar pair of green eyes meet hers. Raven hates the sympathy that shows on her best friend's face, she doesn't want to see it.

"You okay?" Lexa whispers.

"I'm fine." Raven assures her with a small shrug. "Are you okay?"

"Don't be a jerk, Reyes." Lexa scolds with a roll of her eyes as she moves to shove a hand against Raven's shoulder. "So, wanna tell me why you invited me over? This is the first time you've asked me over since you moved in."

"I moved in five weeks ago, Lex," Raven snorts as she turns to trail into the kitchen, Lexa close at her heels. "I've just been busy. I have about a thousand things to do at the shop and two kids who require a lot of attention."

Lexa hums quietly, "You didn't answer my question."

"I invited you over because I was _**bored**_ , alright? Is that a crime?" Raven grumbles as she watches Lexa lean against the counter while she moves to the fridge. "I don't have a lot going on today. Thought you might be useful."

"Well, you're lucky that Bianca and Clarke are at the movies for their weekly date night or I wouldn't be here." Lexa smirks before it falters slightly. "So, am I here because you were bored or am I hear because it's too quiet?"

Raven pauses as her shoulders tense, "A little bit of both."

Her jaw clenches as she listens to Lexa snort before she wraps her fists around the cold necks of the beers in her fridge. She pops the door shut with her hip as she moves towards Lexa and focuses on popping the tops; she focuses on the task at hand rather then the truth of her words, she can't stand these weekend. She can't stand being away from Valerie and Nico.

"Beer?" Lexa asks as she arches an eyebrow. "That's all you got?"

"I'm picking my kids up tomorrow," Raven reminds her as she slides the beer to her friend who accepts it with a slight pout. "I don't want to be hungover when they get home, I know they're going to want to jump on the trampoline or something equally active."

"Having kids made you softer." Lexa smirks as she taps the bottle of her beer against Raven's and chuckles at her best friend's groan. "I'm serious. Badass Reyes isn't such a badass anymore. She's a softie."

"Fuck you, Woods." Raven mumbles.

"Sorry. You had your chance, Clarke snagged me while you trying to seduce Bellamy's baby sister." Lexa laughs and Raven narrows her eyes at her. "Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to drag up the past. My bad."

"Yeah. So shut your face and drink." Raven orders.

"Drinking our sorrows away. Just like old times." Lexa sighs with a playful expression. "Do you remember when we got trashed because Clarke and Octavia put a sex ban on us cause we blew up a car?"

Raven snorts and beer slips from her mouth, "Fuck. I forgot about that."

"They were **_so_ ** mad." Lexa laughs as she shakes her head with a wistful look. "I mean, I think Octavia was angrier at the fact that you did it like two days before your wedding...that was one hell of a bachelorette party."

Raven tenses at the mention of her wedding, at her marriage. She forgot. For just a few seconds she had forgot about the fact that she was alone, she forgot that her wife was across town instead of in her arms. She forgot that she has moved from the home they bought together. She forgot that she stands in her new kitchen with her best friend and a ring on her finger that feels too heavy.

"Falling for forever was the worst decision we ever made." Raven snorts as she sips at her beer, her brown eyes dark with hurt and anger. "What the fuck was I even thinking? I should've taken my mom's advice and avoided love."

"Shut up." Lexa orders.

"We were so happy." Raven muses as she takes a long pull of her beer. "Everything was perfect and then it just...changed. It was like everything we did got on each other's nerves, it's like we grew apart."

"It happens." Lexa assures her. "Sometimes people just change and their spouses don't change with them. Things are just different and there's nothing you can do. But you'll work it out, you're Raven and Octavia."

"We _**were** _ Raven and Octavia." Raven sneers.

"You still are. You're just trying to figure things out. It's horrible that it's taking so long, but you two had some growing up to do." Lexa reminds her as she smiles. "You guys have nothing to worry about, Clarke says so."

"Oh, and everything your wife says is right?"

Lexa rolls her eyes, "Um, yeah."

Raven laughs as she stares at her best friend before she licks her lips and stares down at her beer. She swishes it around and flips a few thoughts in her head as she watches Lexa swallow her own beer. She thinks of what has happened in the past week and considers the idea of keeping something from her best friend, but before she can stop herself it pours from her mouth.

"Kyle asked me to go with him to our company dinner." Raven whispers.

Lexa pauses with wide eyes, " ** _Wick_**?"

"Yeah." Raven nods with a frown as she picks at the label on her beer. "He said it didn't have to be like a date or anything, but he wants to take me. So, I'm not really sure how that could not classify as a date."

"Wow." Lexa breathes out. "You gonna go?"

"I'm married, Lexa." Raven snaps as she holds up her hand to flash her engagement and wedding band. "I told him no and he tried to convince me that it would be good for me or some shit like that."

Lexa hesitates as she bites her lip, "Maybe it **_would_ ** be good for you."

"What part of married aren't you getting?" Raven mumbles as she swallows another bout of bitter liquid. "I mean, how would you feel if you and Clarke were taking a break and she decided to go out with someone else?"

"I'd break the asshole's jaw." Lexa sneers.

"See! You've met my wife, she'd do exactly what you would. And I would do the same thing if I found out she was going out with someone." Raven scoffs. "It feels like cheating. We're still married, we're just taking a break."

"A break that has lasted a year?" Lexa questions as she lifts her eyebrow and meets Raven's sad eyes. "Rae, you've been my best friend since we were in diapers so I'll support you in whatever you decide, but it kills me to see you like this."

"I just miss feeling wanted." Raven shrugs. "I mean, my kids make me feel wanted but that's more because they need me. For the first time since the separation, I feel like somebody wants me. Actually wants to be with me."

"I say go for it."

"I can't." Raven sighs with a shake of her head. "I can't do that to Octavia."

"So, you're just going to sit around and wait for this break between you guys to end?" Lexa demands. "You deserve to be happy and have a good time. It's just one night, Rae. It doesn't have to be a date."

Raven bites her lips before she shakes her head, "It's this Tuesday and the kids will be with me so..."

"Say no more. Clarke and I will watch them for the night and we'll take Nico to school in the morning and bring Val to the shop." Lexa chirps. "You need a night out, Raven. This could be really good for you."

"I still love her." Raven mumbles.

"I know you do and you going with Wick has nothing to do with the love you have for her. It's about you doing something good for yourself since you've been trapped in this endless cycle of misery for a year." Lexa says with a grin.

"I'm not miserable. I have two awesome badass kids and amazing friends." Raven reminds her and Lexa lifts her beer bottle towards her before Raven taps them together. "I have a good life, Lex. I promise I'm not miserable."

Lexa doesn't reply and Raven watches as she stares. She knows those green eyes better than anyone besides Clarke, she knows what they mean with every flash and she knows what Lexa is silently saying. She sees the way her best friend pleads with her, pleads for her to just stop with the way she bathes in her pain and wallows in self-pity, she sees that Lexa needs her to do this more than Raven needs to.

"I'll go with him." Raven breathes out after a moment.

"That's my girl." Lexa smirks as she reaches out to pat Raven's hand. "It'll be good for you, Rae."

Raven tries to ignore the part of her that says it really won't be.

**-x-**

The weekend ends too quickly.

Octavia can't help but think that the days flew by as she drives down the road and glances in the rearview mirror to stare at her kids. They had a good weekend, a happy one with just the three of them, but she felt that missing piece. Their movie night was too quiet without Raven's laughter. Their dinner table was full of Nico's tiny voice and Valerie's silence and no grumbles from her wife. The bed was so empty even with both kids tucked into her sides.

She shakes her head and tries to clear away the anger and frustration. This was what she wanted, she tries to remind herself that **_she_ ** walked away because she needs this space. They need this space; they need time to miss each other. They need time to find the love that they allowed to slip away, they need time to breathe in a life that isn't centered around each other.

"Mama, when is your vacation going to be over?" Nico asks. "You're coming home soon, right?"

Octavia tenses slightly, "Hopefully soon, bud."

"You're gonna like the new house, Mama. It's cool and we have a pool **_and_ ** a trampoline." Nico babbles as he bounces his legs. "Mommy lets us go for night swims and Aunt Clarke taught us how to dive last weekend."

"That is so awesome, dude. I can't wait to see that in person." Octavia smiles as she turns the corner and her stomach bottoms out at the sight of that parking lot. "What about you, Val? Do you go swimming?"

The three-year-old tilts her head and nods. It's progress.

"Mommy!"

Octavia grins as her son spots Raven as she waits patiently in the parking lot with her arms folded over her chest. She hates the way her heart breaks when she pulls into the parking lot because she knows her weekend is over. The car barely stops and Nico is out of his seat and his door jerks open as he hurries to his mother. Octavia sees Raven catch him and twirl him before her lips descend on his face to press sloppy kisses to his cheek.

Valerie is more subtle but she sees the excitement on her daughter's face as she slowly unbuckles her from her carseat and lifts her into her arms. Raven is just setting Nico down by the time Octavia reaches her and Valerie leans towards her with her arms out and her tiny fingers curl in and out as she makes a grabby motion at her mother who beams at the sight of it.

"Someone missed you." Octavia whispers.

"I missed you just as much, kiddo." Raven grins as she takes Valerie into her arms and squeezes her to her, the toddler tucks her face in her mother's neck and sighs. "I missed both of my little grease monkeys."

"Mommy, can we work on the car when we get home?" Nico asks as he tugs at the bottom of his mother's jacket and tilts his head back to look up at her while his fingers wiggle. "I wanna get my hands dirty!"

"Of course you do, nerd." Octavia teases.

"Hey, cars are cool." Raven and Nico protest in complete sync.

"Wow! Ganging up on me? Not cool. What about you, Val? You're on my side, right?" Octavia pouts and Valerie curls herself away from Raven to reach for her other mother. "Ha! At least one of my kids is loyal."

"Yeah, yeah. How about you buckle your kid up so I can get them home?" Raven smirks as she ruffles Nico's hair and guides him to the car. "How were they? Please tell me Nico didn't try to ask you for a hoverboard."

"Oh, he did. We ordered one last night." Octavia chuckles.

"O! Seriously?" Raven whines. "I've been telling him no."

"Mommy, they're so cool. We got a _**blue** _ one!" Nico exclaims as he scrambles into his booster seat and lifts his arm so Raven can buckle him in while Octavia works on Valerie's straps. "You'll like it when you see it. Pinky swear."

"You spoil them." Raven grumbles as she narrows her eyes at Octavia.

"Yeah. Only cause they're awesome." Octavia shrugs.

She whispers how much she loves her daughter into dark curls and Valerie blinks up at her to share the sentiment. Octavia presses a finger to her nose and takes in her giggle before she pulls away to shut the door. Octavia jogs to her own car to grab backpacks and toys while Raven continues to argue with Nico about the hoverboard. By the time Octavia returns, Raven has begun to bend on the idea of getting a hoverboard for her house.

She rolls her eyes at how easy her kids manage to play her and Raven, they'll give their kids anything they ask for; that's just the type of parents they were, they loved their kids and spoiled them with attention but neither could deny their son or daughter the material things they ask for. Raven draws away and Octavia ducks in and Nico curls his skinny arms around her neck with a squeal as he squeezes her tight.

Octavia bites at his neck as he giggles, "I'll eat you up I love you so."

"I love you more, Mama." Nico murmurs.

She draws away and feels her heart break as she sees the sadness in Nico's eyes as she steps back. It kills her, that look, and she wants nothing more than to wash it away but she knows she can't because it goes deeper than a Internet purchase. What he wants can't be ordered or shipped, she knows it's something that Raven and her will need to sit down and discuss soon.

Octavia sighs as she glances at her wife, "I don't have any clients booked on Thursday so I'm gonna pick Val up from the shop in the morning. I'll pick Nico up from school and take them out to eat and then have them back before bedtime."

"Okay. Just remember to make sure they at least have something green on their plates when you go out." Raven pleads as she accepts the backpacks Octavia offers her. "And no soda cause they'll come back bouncing off the walls."

"Ugh, you're no fun." Octavia teases with a roll of her eyes.

"I'm plenty fun, but you don't have to put them to bed after their tiny bodies consume a large amount of soda." Raven scoffs before she catches the small flinch that flashes across Octavia's face. "Sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"It's cool. You're right. I'm not there." Octavia shrugs.

"Mommy, I gotta go potty." Nico whines from his place in his booster seat.

Raven peeks over Octavia's shoulder to watch as her son rocks back and forth in his seat and both her and Octavia giggle at the sight. Octavia watches the way Raven moves towards the car to put the backpacks away before she glances over her shoulder.

"See you Thursday?" Raven calls.

Octavia nods, "Yup."

She tries to ignore the way she longs to go with her family so she simply stands back and watches as Raven drives away. A soft sigh leaves her as she rubs at her brow before she turns and leaves that God awful parking lot

**-x-**

The doorbell sounds four times before a pause happens and three more rings follow; Clarke rolls her eyes as she stands from the living room couch and makes her way towards the door knowing exactly who is on the other side. As she opens the door, she can't help but smile at the sight of her best friend. Octavia returns the look as she nudges past Clarke and pauses for a short moment to slap a palm against the blonde's forehead.

"Can you _**not** _ do that?" Clarke scoffs.

"You love it, nerd." Octavia smirks as she strips from her jacket. "What are you losers up to?"

"We're having a bit of a Disney movie marathon." Clarke replies as she gestures to the sweats and tank top she wore. "The kids built a fort and they've spent more time playing with their flashlights then paying attention to the movies."

"Kids?" Octavia repeats. "Um, isn't Bianca an only child?"

Clarke arches an eyebrow at Octavia's teasing, "She is when your kids aren't here."

" _ **My** _ kids?" Octavia frowns. "Why are my kids here?"

"Mama!"

Clarke blows out a long breath of relief as Nico appears with a wide smile on his face; Octavia drops her attention away from Clarke in an instant as she turns in time to catch her son in her arms as she spins in a quick circle. The five-year-old squeaks happily as he presses a wet kiss to her cheek before he draws away to stare at her with eyes that match her own.

"Hello there, handsome," Octavia greets. "How are you?"

"I'm great!" Nico chirps as he twists one of her braids around his finger. "Whatcha doin' here?"

"Well, I thought it'd be fun to come hang out with your aunts but I'm surprised that you're here. Best surprise ever though." Octavia grins as she tickles at his stomach while he squirms in her tight grasp. "Where's your sister?"

"She's watchin' Frozen. Bianca is singing along to all the songs." Nico huffs as he scrunches his nose, Octavia mocks the look as she spits her tongue out. "Mama, come watch with us. You can sit in our fort."

"Oh, an exclusive invite to your blanket fort?" Octavia gasps. "How lucky am I?"

"Very, very lucky. I'll even give you a flashlight so you can have light sabor fights with us." Nico beams as he squishes her cheeks between his hands. "It'll be lots and lots of fun. Pinky promise."

Octavia manages to pull her face from Nico's grasp before she drags a gentle kiss over his head and sets him on his feet, the pajama dressed five-year-old hesitates only for a moment before he turns to hurry back to the living room. Once he vanishes, Octavia whirls to face her best friend as she narrows eyes and sees the way Clarke works to avoid her fiery gaze.

"What are they doing here?" Octavia demands. "Is Raven here?"

"Um, no." Clarke frowns.

"Octavia?"

She licks at her lips anxiously as she turns to see Lexa as she walks out of the kitchen with a dish towel in her hand. The brunette pauses before her and shares a look with Clarke who simply widens her gaze in return.

"What are you doing here?" Lexa asks. "Are you picking up the kids?"

"No. I had no idea they were going to be here." Octavia scoffs as she crosses her arms over her chest. "So that begs the question, what are they doing here? Raven never mentioned they were spending their Tuesday night here."

"O, it was kinda a last minute thing." Clarke sighs.

"Last minute or not, I think I should at least know where my kids are." Octavia snorts as she shoots a look to a silent Lexa. "Okay, what is going on? What are you two hiding from me? You're acting sketchy as fuck."

"Language." Lexa scolds. "The kids can hear you."

Octavia clenches her jaw to simmer her anger, "Tell me where Raven is."

"I don't really think it's any of your business where she is, O." Clarke mumbles as she rubs at her brow with a look of annoyance. "She had plans and Lexa volunteered us for babysitting them. We'll take Nico to school in the morning and Val to Raven at the shop."

"Clarke." Octavia barks. "Where is my wife?"

"Octavia," Lexa sighs as she crosses her arms over her chest. "She went on a date with Kyle."

Date. Date. _**Date**_. The word spins through her head and she wishes the ground would open up and swallow her because she figures that fall would hurt a hell of lot less than what she feels in this moment. She feels like the ring on her finger tightens and she glances down to the diamond band before she feels another feeling run through her body; desperation.

The realization finally sinks in and she turns and bolts.

**-x-**

Raven blinks sleepily as a bang sounds from downstairs and she pops up in bed. She pauses and considers that she's hearing things before another knock sounds and she rubs at her eyes and casts a look at the clock on her bedside table. Eight o'clock. She fell asleep. She was supposed to meet Wick for the company dinner an hour ago. She sighs and stands from the bed as she smooths her hands over the little black dress she had put on earlier that night.

She runs through a million excuses in her head as she patters down the stairs and towards the front door. Words rest on the tip of her tongue as she turns the lock and twists the knob open, but words fail her at the sight before her. Octavia stands with a hand pressed to the doorway and a look of desperation on her face. Raven straightens herself out and flounders for words, she tries to speak but all that comes out are sounds of wonder.

"Is he here?" Octavia demands.

"What?" Raven frowns. "Is who here?"

"That fuckin' Kyle dick who you're supposedly going on a date with tonight." Octavia growls as she pokes her head into the house and looks around. "I went to chill with Clarke and Lexa and found my kids there, Lexa said you had a date."

"Octavia," Raven scoffs as she shoves a hand against her wife's chest. "He's not here."

"Then why do you look like that?" Octavia snaps as she gestures to the brunette's body and Raven frowns as she looks down at the dress. "Why do you look so beautiful? Why are you wearing red lipstick? You only wear that when..."

"When I wanna fall in love." Raven cuts in. "You remember that?"

"You told me that on our second date and I freaked out. I spend an entire weekend freaking out over the idea of you loving me, like really loving me and then I realized how much I loved the idea of your red lipstick." Octavia whispers.

Raven gives a hard swallow, "What do you want, Octavia?"

"I want you."

The words float around her and she has to blink to clear the black spots that fill her vision and she feels hands reach out to catch her arms as she stumbles back, the heels on her feet making it harder to catch her balance. Once she's safe on her feet, she shrugs Octavia's hands away and stares at the woman who still owns every piece of her heart. She gaps, and bites her lips; she licks away the layers of red that stain her lips.

"I don't understand." Raven mutters. "Where is this coming from?"

"It's coming from the fact that all of this is bullshit." Octavia hisses. "Do you think I wanted to walk away from you? Away from _**us**_? I was terrified, Raven. Everyone just kept saying maybe we needed space and then I took it and suddenly we were miles apart."

"I-I thought it was what you wanted..." Raven whispers. "Everyone told me that it was for the best, that letting you live somewhere else was better. They said that eventually it wouldn't hurt. But it hurts, O. It always hurts."

"Then what the fuck are we doing, Raven? We can fix this." Octavia assures her as she steps forward to curl her hands around her wife's bare arms. "Raven, fuck this. Fuck the separation. We belong together."

Raven licks her lips as she stares into wide blue eyes, "We can't just...it's not that easy, Octavia. We took this separation for a reason, we needed time to figure out who we were without each other. We've been together since we were in high school."

"And you still love me." Octavia frowns before she falters. "Right?"

"Of course." Raven scoffs. "I'll always love you, Octavia. You have parts of me that nobody will ever touch. You are my first...everything. I want to spend the rest of whatever time I have left with you, but I don't know."

"What's there not to know? We're good together." Octavia reminds her. "We needed time to figure our shit out and we're doing it. We're...we can work through it, but we can't do that if we keep up this separation."

Raven frowns, "I moved out of our old house. Everything is different."

"It's new." Octavia corrects as she steps further into Raven's space and rests their foreheads together, and she realizes how much she misses this as Raven's breath catches. "I'm tired of being a family for fifteen minutes in a parking lot."

Raven shifts as her eyes flutter shut, "We have to be smart about this."

"We will be." Octavia assures her with a quick nod as she licks at her lips nervously. "We'll figure it out and it won't be so hard. It's us, Raven. We've been through so much together. We can work through this."

"The kids..."

"The kids want us together, Raven." Octavia cuts in. "We're doing this **_for_ ** our family."

"Our daughter is mute because of our separation. Because of our fights." Raven hisses as pushes away from Octavia and folds her arms over her chest. "She won't understand, Octavia. We have to ease them into this. We can't just move you in, it won't make sense to them."

"They think we're just taking a vacation from each other and all vacations end. Nico will be thrilled that we're both together, it's all that he wants." Octavia points out. "They want us back together, _**we** _ want us back together."

Octavia moves towards her wife and curls her arms around her waist and she can see the way Raven's eyes soften as she folds into her touch. She arches her head up and brushes her lips against Raven's, she feels the hesitation but finally Raven gives in. Raven can feel the familiar sweep of need that settles in the pit of her stomach as Octavia's hands slide down her leg and fingers creep under her dress, fingernails bite into her thigh as teeth drive into her lower lip.

"What are you doing?" Raven demands as she pulls away from the kiss.

"I miss you." Octavia murmurs as she dances frantic kisses over Raven's neck and jawline, her hands move to bunch of the dress as she shakes her head. "I miss you so much. I just need this. I need us again."

"Octavia, stop." Raven orders in a stern voice.

Octavia shakes her head and tears slide her cheeks as she feels the stiffness behind her wife's body and she can feel the way Raven draws away from her affection; it was something Octavia isn't used to. Desperate hands shake as they continue to tug weakly at the material before Raven's hands cover her own and push a small distance between them, and brown eyes meet hers as they share a small look.

"Stop." Raven whispers.

"Why?" Octavia exclaims, her voice cracks as she struggles to free her hands from the light grasp Raven has on them. "Why are we doing this, Raven? We're both miserable! Why can't we do this?"

"I-I don't know." Raven mutters as she slowly releases her wife's hands before her own fall to her sides as she ducks her head to avoid the show of tears. "But we can't have sex. It won't change anything."

"Then what will?"

"I don't know." Raven repeats with a small shrug. "I just...we shouldn't be like this. We love each other, but this separation has made me see things so differently. I'm just so tired of hurting all the time."

"It's been hard, being away from you." Octavia confesses. "I mean, we fell in love when we were teenagers and got married right after I got out of high school. I just feel like we just kept growing apart as the years went on."

Raven sucks in a breath at her wife's words before she moves away from her and takes a moment to calm the way her heart races, her hands shake as she runs them through her dark flowing locks. All she can hear is the the way the blood rushes through her ears and her hearts pushes against her chest, it begs to be released and given back to the woman who stands a few feet away from her. Raven turns to face Octavia and she sees the sadness that shines in blue eyes and it kills her to know that she has put the hurt there. She never wanted this for their marriage, she never thought she would ever lose the woman she loved.

"I love you, Octavia." Raven sighs as she paces the foyer, her brow furrows slowly. "You know that I love you. With all of my heart. But we're just so lost, and I'm afraid we don't know how to find what we had in high school."

Octavia stares at her as she shakes her head, "I don't understand."

"Maybe we just can't do it on our own." Raven suggests as a beat of silence falls over both women. "Fuck. I don't want to, but maybe this is just too much for us. Maybe we should consider getting some help."

"Help?" Octavia repeats as she frowns.

"Lexa gave me the number to the marriage counselor her and Clarke when to when they were having their problems before Bianca." Raven explains in a soft whisper. "I want to fix this, O. I don't want this separation to continue, but we can't do this alone."

"Rae..."

"O, if you _**really** _ want this to work, if you want us to end this separation, then you'll do this for me." Raven begs as she rubs at her brow. "I just want my wife back, okay? I want our happiness back."

"How did it go away in the first place?" Octavia scoffs. "We were...fuck, we were so happy together. The day I married you is one of the best days of my life, proposing to you was the best decision I ever made. You're everything to me."

"We've always been everything to each other." Raven mutters as she carefully steps towards the younger woman. "And because of that, I don't want us to end over something that we're not seeing. Something we're avoiding seeing."

"I just feel like we just stopped listening to each other. We were so wrapped up in our kids that we forgot about each other." Octavia mumbles. "It's like one morning I woke up and you were a million miles away from me."

"Everything felt different." Raven nods.

"Can you do something...?" Octavia trails off as she licks her lips anxiously and turns her gaze away from her wife as she rubs awkwardly at her arm. "I just need you to answer me one question, okay?"

"Okay."

"You said everything was different," Octavia whispers as she slowly lifts her gaze, her blue eyes zero in on the puzzled brown orbs before her. "Was **_I_ ** different to you? Was there something about me that changed?"

"No, it wasn't you," Raven assures her with a quick shake of her head. "It was **_me_**."

"Did your love for..."

"Don't finish that sentence." Raven orders as her brows curl into a scowl before she takes a hesitant step towards her wife. "My love for you will never change, Octavia. I love you now more than ever."

"Then why were you going on a date tonight?" Octavia demands.

Raven pauses as she gives a hard swallow, "I wanted to forget. For just one night."

"Were you going to sleep with him?"

"No, Octavia." Raven assures her with a quick shake of her head as she reaches out to brush a tear that falls down Octavia cheek. "No. **_Never_**. No. It wasn't even a date. I just wanted to feel wanted for a night. Just for a few hours."

"I'm sorry." Octavia whispers, her raspy voice cracks under the weight of her words. "I am so sorry I made you feel like I didn't want you, I'm sorry that I made you think that I wasn't in love with you."

"I know you love me, I've always known that," Raven shrugs. "You and I are meant to be together and I just think we need somebody to help us see that. I think we just need to learn how to communicate again."

Raven stares and she hesitates, she wonders how her night had turned into this. She wonders how dinner with Wick has turned into her heart melting back with her wife's, she can't help but thankful she fell asleep. She pauses for a moment longer before she reaches up to curl a hand around the back of Octavia's neck before she leads her into a kiss; lips meets and it's rough, teeth tug and the bond between them returns.

Octavia grapples for her wife and pulls her closer as her body aches for the familiar rough touch. Like so many times before, Raven allows her nails to sink into Octavia's back as she holds her close. The two pour every ounce of love they have been denying the other into the kiss, everything they have been holding back falls into the familiar feel of tongues that lash and harsh nips of teeth that search for a way to punish. Octavia pulls away from Raven's lips and buries her face in the crook of the older woman's neck, her tears burn trails down tan skin as she turns her head to press cold kisses along Raven's neck.

"I love you." Octavia mutters. "I love you and we're going to make this work, I don't care how long it takes, I'm not going to lose you. I'm done with this separation, I don't want to be away from you anymore."

"We'll figure it out." Raven soothes as she runs a hand over the back of Octavia's head, her fingers twist in dark locks as she smiles softly. "I love you too much to let anything separate us again."

"We're forever, right? You and me?" Octavia whispers as she reaches for Raven's hand and guides it to her chest, her thumb brushes over the familiar diamond that rests on Raven's hand as she feels her heart beat.

"Forever and a day." Raven nods.

The two stood in a house that knew nothing of their love; they stand with a new chance in the palms of their hands. But they both knew that the words they had spoke were just that...words, it's just the beginning and they have so much more to work through. It was up to them to find their way back to one another and with silent hope they start the search for their piece of forever.


End file.
